Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
