I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
