I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
