By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
