On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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