she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
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I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
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Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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