Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
