remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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