Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
