Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
