so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
