She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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