The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
