Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm passing your future prison.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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