can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
