i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
operation harelip BJ is a go
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
