I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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