Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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