About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
