Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
