I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
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I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
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You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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