I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
