Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
