I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
