why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
