Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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