I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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