I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
