I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
