I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
