What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
