Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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