Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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