My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
