my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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