my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
