He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
