I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
