Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
