Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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