the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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