Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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