we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
