is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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