As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
