i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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