Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
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He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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