I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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