I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
