Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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