And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
