Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
