Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
