How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
