even my farts smell like vagina
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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