btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
