Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
