i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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